Kannst du der Welt vergeben? Wirst du jemals glücklich sein? | gothgrrrl's Blog

Yesterday I was at a friend's. Can't remember how much I wrote about that earlier on... so it was like this: She is a really good friend of mine, would say she's one of my two best friends. And she had a lot of trouble at thome and so she recently moved out into a flat (was is das englische Wort für WG? XD keine Ahnung) where she lives with other people. And yesterday she wanted to like have a little party to show us her room and the people she lives with now and all that. And I was a bit hesitant because I only knew her and a good friend of mine and there was one more friend of mine that I have a strange past with (we were sort of best friends, then he sort of backstabbed me and while I with my ex-ex he hated her and so our friendship faded away) and we wanted to get back in touch. So I felt wibblywobbly. But in the end it was a nice evening. We ate something and drank some alcohol, played Texas Hold Em and Tabu and talked and it was just nice and I really managed to do that "get back in touch"-bit very well. I didn't sleep that much, so I'm very tired today and my eyes and my head hurt like hell.

But when I came back home today... I suddenly felt so empty and depressed. There was one at the party who kept talking about me and this friend I have the past with being this close to falling in love with each other. That was not a brilliant situation since he has ever since he's known me been in love with me. But hell, we got over it. So today I came here and I was like ... everything fell down. I still have to write this assignment, I have to hand it in on Friday and I have written maybe half of it and don't feel like doing the rest, I'm scared of f*cking it all up and I'm scared of the fear that will cover me in the next day because of this f*cking assignment because I really need to pass and I've never been that good at assignments... And then comes this being unhappily in love. It was just that last night I could have snapped and that friend of mine would have kissed me. And I've always liked him and I've forgiven him surely. So then what's the point in sitting at home trying to make up some excuse to go and talk to my lecturer because I can't stand to be without him that long. I miss him every second and I think of him whatever I do. Today I was watching soccer and because I was so tired I was lying there on the sofa and when I closed my eyes I let go of everything and only thought of him and wished he would just say one word to me like he always did. And it's so pointless. So senseless. And I still I keep clinging to it.

It depresses me.

But the biggest problem is: I just don't continue working. I just lie around all the time doing nothing, listening to music, being depressed and thinking "oh no, I will NEVER NEVER NEVER finish this assignment". And then I think "Well, maybe if I started working I would finish it" but then I just don't because I'm too scared of what I might find if I started working. Like sitting there and noticing that I won't get enough written or that I did something wrong and then everything goes up in smoke.

It depressed me.