*Friends* | gothgrrrl's Blog

I'm a little sad. For about one and a half years or a little less I've been going out with some friends on some Fridays or Saturdays. For quite a long time we've not been out together. A friend of mine who's joined the navy was away for quite a long time and he wrote me a mail about meeting one time. And I wondered about whether he meant this weekend. I asked him, he didn't answer, I forgot it. And some minutes ago I found an SMS by a friend saying "When do we meet this evening?". And I didn't know anything about meeting today. No one told me. Actually I'm not that disappointed because I wouldn't have wanted to go out today anyway and because I know they are good friends and that doesn't mean that they don't want me anymore... but I'm still a bit sad. I mean alright... we've all been going into different directions but still we've kept these meetings up and we've all had a lot of fun. And I feel especially sad because my best friend belongs to those people. And since she's had her new boyfriend ... I feel like she's forgetting me... And that is making me really sad. Still I'm not really feeling bad because I hope that they will feel guilty and that is making me a feel a little better. I know that sounds bad, but it's how I feel...

Still that day was good. Two classes in university today. Russian of course. And I loved every minute of it. Though there is something strange to tell... My lecturer, whom you know I'm crushing on a little, knows that I was together with one of the guys in our Russian class. And I guess he thinks we're still together. And though I'm crushing on my lecturer, I like the thought of him thinking that we're still together. I spent some time thinking why... And I guess it's because I don't want him to ever know how weak I really am. He knows I got a little tendency to get melancholic and that's alright. He doesn't know that I was depressive and that I'm practically unable to lead a relationship. And I like it that way. I want him to think I'm a person who yes, who is different from the crows, but who is still normal in that way. Having a normal relationship with a normal guy and all that. And I definietely don't want him to think that I'm ... you know... sort of waiting for him... That's somehow a little strange but ... I was having a good time talking to him today. A VERY good time.

And today I saw Holger. And it was amazing. He was sweet. Yes, he was. My Russian lecturer always finishes the lesson too late and so I came to Holger's seminar almost too late when he was already there. And I almost ran into him when I entered the room and he stopped and smiled the most beautiful smile I've ever seen him smile and said Hello and I was so happy. And he looked absolutely wonderful and he said he was really happy to see some people from his last seminar again and he remembered my name (you know... if he hadn't I'd really have broken down) and it was just perfect... and now I have one semester ahead of me with him. That is so great.

I find myself being so much more positive in the last time. Maybe it's university. I notice how it makes me a lot more self-confident and a lot more content and happy. And I can even deal with this situation I'm in now with my friends meeting without me. And I found great new people in college that could maybe really become friends one day. And my grades are good and everything is just fine. Now that the summer comes ... things can only get better I hope. And I'm thankful all the time... This is really the best part of my life since I am able to remember things that are going on...