The savage love is undestructable | gothgrrrl's Blog

I have to write. I definitely have to write this down or I'm gonna explode. I had a pretty nice week I think. Latin on Monday, I cope. Russian on the others days, I don't understand that much but I cope. My tutor rules, he seems to think that I'll manage in the end... we'll see. Lecture about modern times, boring, Middle-Ages, alright. Cultural Studies pretty fine, Eastern Europe on the Internet, goddamn boring but ... I cope. Romans and Germanic people, alright. Germany in the aera of Helmut Schmidt, very nice though it was boring today.

Still. Something was strange. One night, I don't know which it was... it was one night this week... I couldn't sleep because I was getting panicky and depressive. I was really getting close to a panic attack. I'm not taking meds anymore and I was alright all the time. And suddenly I felt this really crazy urge to cut myself and I really had some trouble resisting. I could neither sleep through and my period got out of order which is usually a sign that something is wrong. I dunno... what was wrong... this morning I was feeling VERY groggy, but in the end the day worked out fine and I guess I was just feeling like that because I have to adjust to that change from the holidays to working almost the whole day every day. Hope it'll get better...

Well. Love is like... stupid... I'm getting on with my ex pretty well. He asked me one or two weeks ago whether I still had any feelings for him and I had to say no because that's the way it is and ... well, guess we've picked up the pieces and can move on. I'm getting a little erm... scared ... that I might be falling in love with Holger. This is a little hard to explain cause in Germany we have too many words for that... And when I say "falling in love" I mean seriously crushing. Someone told me in English "falling in love" is more happening in a relationship. Alright. Sorted. Yesterday I was at the Seminar where he works and I met him and he smiled and greeted me and I was like ... completely and insanely happy and I was there with my ex and and he knows about my weakness for Holger and he looked at me in this "there he waaaaaaaas..."-way and said "He didn't greet me but he greated you" and I smiled a "Yeeaaaaaahhh, I know..."-smile and right at that moment Holger turned around while walking up the stairs and looked at me. And in that situation I was only happy that he'd turned around and then ... I realized what he might have realized... I dunno if I smiled in a "God, I wanna marry him"-way but there's a good chance that I did... I dunno if I want him to know that... And well today was his class and it was fucking boring but that wasn't his fault. He made it perfectly wonderful, had he not done it I would have died of boredom. Still, when I left that building I felt that my mood is way too much dependant on him. I'm crushing on different people all the time, that's no secret and nothing I'm ashamed of cause mostly it makes me  happy but I fear that this is leading into another direction and that it could make me very very unhappy.

I spent a good amount of the time since I got home thinking about that and I didn't really come to any sort of conclusion... I'll wait till next Friday and then we'll see what happens. I know it will be a hard time but I'm happy that I'll see him next week cause a lot of people take the day off... This night I'll go to the pub with some friends. The ones who forgot to tell me they were going last time... As I found out they DID think of me and it was a misunderstanding cause someone thought he had told me and in fact I just hadn't understood it correctly. Whatever. I don't really feel like that. I feel like dwelling in misery about Holger, but as I think about it... in the pub I'll get a lot of wodka to drown those thoughts in.

Weekend. Sleep. Good.