Little bit of love | gothgrrrl's Blog

It is such a beautiful day. It's about 20 degress, I'm sitting outside in the sun with my laptop... When I bought my laptop it was winter and I didn't even think of an opportunity like this! This is so fucking good. I can enjoy the great weather and surf on this great site at the same time. How great is that...?

Still. I'm not happy enough. Friday night I was out with some friends. I wrote in the last blog that there was some misunderstanding the time I thought they had forgotten to tell me they were going out. They were expecting me to come and kind of surprised when I didn't. Anyway, Friday was like always, we were having a good time and I'm really relieved that there is nothing wrong between us.

Yesterday I chatted with some people from university. So, the "new" friends, you know... And I was having a lot of fun too. One way my ex and it was the first time I "talked" to him while he was REALLY drunk. That was kind of funny, kind of strange cause he said a lot of crazy things, but in the end it was nice. And I sometimes feel I'm a little alone at university cause I'm not the sort of person who hangs with crowds, but only with a few selected ones. And I have met some people, but still I feel everyone else has met more peopple. Anyway, I should be proud of what I have accomplished, cause I'd have thought that it would be harder for me to meet new people. Anyway yesterday I had the impression that there are some people I've already met who could become really close friends. And that's good.

And still ... I'm trying to crowd out the fact that I'm unhappy. I want this man, yes I do. All I can think about is him. Holger is here and there and following me everywhere I go. And I know I can't have him. But my heart won't believe it. It's the same every time. So once more. My psychiatrist said that it's good that I have different areas in my life so if one gets destroyed, I still can rely on another one. Meaning I have love, I have family, I have friends, I have university -> they all make me happy in one way or another and if one starts to make me unhappy I still have others to switch to. So though it makes me happy to think of Holger it makes me unhappy to think of it too, cause a) he's not with me and b) he probably never will be. So in theory I should switch to family, friends or university now. But university is linked with Holger way too much cause he's my tutor. I get too sad to meet my friends. My family is still an option and I'm happy I have them... but how long is this gonna work... This is going to hurt, I'm in for a lot of pain.

I've felt worse. I definitely have. This is because my heart hopes and my brain doesn't work at the moment. I like this moment, I just don't want to start thinking again. Maybe it will work for a while. While I sit in the sun, listening to music... I'll try.