The best women are married, the handsome men are gay | gothgrrrl's Blog

Oh, there comes a day when I'm going to implode. I had university today. And there are these two men you know... I'd give a kingdom to have on of em. One is Holger and the other is my Russian lecturer. And Friday is that glorious day where I see both of em and no one else.

The day I'm looking forward to the whole week.

The day that smashes me to pieces again and again.

First Russian. And I adore every single piece of my lecturer but I know he's out of my world. He's 60, he's got a wife... But still I keep dreaming of him, what else could I do? And we have some really big happening in our town tomorrow and he asked our class if someone is going there since he was going. And God, how much would I want to meet HIM there... But ... I just can't see him together with his wife. This SO won't happen! I don't even *want* to go to that happening and now I'm goddamn sad I'm not going -cause I really could- cause it would be a chance to meet him there and you see - there will be thousands and thousands of people coming, I probably won't even meet him. There is hope on me that says he wouldn't flirt with women all the time if he was really in a passionate marriage. And something tells me he should wear his ring if he really loved his wife. But still. I can't afford to take that chance. If I see him with his wife, I might never get lucky again.

And Holger. That gorgeous man. Something tells me... he's gay. Please God, no. I thought that last semester when he invited a friend of his to come into our class and do some presentation. And the way he looked at that guy... I right away thought "ohoh, that might be his boyfriend...". I noticed that again when we had to do some presentation in groups... ironically he looked the same way at a guy from my group. I never saw him look at a girl like that and there are definitely some very cute girls in our class. And of course ... he's cute, if you look at him he's too cute to be straight. And today when I walked to his class with a friend and someone from our class drove past us, my friend said: "See that guy? I bet Holger fancies him. That way he always looks at him is very suspicious..." And I was like "Shit, you think he's gay too?!"

So that was my day. I was completely bitchy that whole day, not only after that whole shit, but also in advance. I started off being bitchy to my Russian lecturer, I just couldn't fake a smile today. We read a text, I read brilliantly (dunno what was wrong there XD) and occasionally my lecturer managed to get a smile out of me but overall I was a bitch.

Tonight I'll be over at a friend's. I'm 50/50 about it. On the one hand I'm really looking forward to it, because I want to be distracted and because I see some friends I haven't seen in quite a while and because I wanna DRINK. I just got to know that there won't be any wodka unfortunately and usually I get sick from beer but we'll see... I'll drink whatever is there. And the best thing is: I don't have to sleep there. I'm anxious about that though I've slept there some times and there is nothing to be anxious about. I just love my own bed. And well. But on the other hand I'd like to lie in my bed and dwell in my misery. But overall I'm happy I won't be able to do that today. The weekend will be hard enough.

Today I also got some new books. And I totally feel like taking a book, getting lost in it and keeping reading for the rest of my life... It's "The Completele Polysyllabic Spree" by Nick Hornby, he's one of my absolute favourite authors, I LOVE him because he writes so beautifully. Then "The City that forgot how to breate" by Kenneth J. Harvey. The story is SO interesting, I SO wanna read and. And a German book "Die Vermessung der Welt" by Daniel Kehlmann. Some might know it, it was a real HIT 2005 and was translated into lots of other languages. I'd so much like to just take a book and read and FORGET what I always think about. But I guess, things will change.