Something for the Worst-Evening-Ever-Top-5 | gothgrrrl's Blog

Oh shit, yesterday was so horrible. I went to meet some friends. And actually just two or three friends that I definitely enjoyed seeing but on top of that about ten thousand other people I didn't like or didn't know. And I just can't cope with that really. And it  became hell. After one hour or so I felt the panic attacks creeping up, I couldn't stand em. I wanted to leave, wanted to run, take the next train to wherever, just disappear. And after some hours I couldn't stand it anymore and I went to a friend's room to be alone. What went through my heaad while I lay there was so horrible... Everything, the therapy did didn't work, useless, all useless, I am still useless, I can't cope, I'll never be able to cope, I'll have to start it all over again from the beginning, I can't. I wanted to die. It definitely was one of the worst evening I ever had. And I just hope that it was because of all the people and not because of me.

Today I'm going to that event I talked wrote about yesterday. +sighs+ Yes. I know, I'm stupid. I'll sit there for hours, watching out for HIM and either I won't see him, or if I see him he'll be there with his wife and either way I'll end up totally wasted. The place I'm going is there place where I had my first drunken stupor. Still, I just hope today will be better. When I had that attacks yesterday I thought I wouldn't make it today, but yesterday I actually looked forward to today and somehow I do now too. Because the people are my friends and there aren't any people coming that I don't know and don't like -as far as I know anyway and I HOPE this is gonna be like that or I'll just leave right away- and well... I just hope and hope and hope I won't have to run. Though actually I already ran a little boit. Cause actually I should have been there by now but ... that was really a stupid idea cause the firework were gonna watch will begin at about 10:00 or 11:00 pm and why should I be there at 4:00 pm... And surely not if I'm ridden by panic attacks. Well. Well. I'll just try to enjoy the evening...

Have a nice weekend.