Hello again | gothgrrrl's Blog

Wow, it's been quite a while... I don't know why I suddenly stopped coming here... I often regretted it but always thought that it's so much work ... it's like in therapy. XD It helps you but you have to work a lot. Now I felt it was time to come back...

And now I see there's so much stuff... 55 new mails...? My God, how long have I been gone. I hope everyone will understand that I won't read them all. I just don't have the time I think. I wanna add all the fans, I saw it's quite a lot. It may take me some time, but I don't wanna miss any of you.

Maybe it's right to tell what's been happening to me. Maybe someone's interested. To be honest: Nothing's been happening.  Things have changed very slowly. I was quite successful when it comes to studying. I'm still studying History and Slavin Studies. I'm really good at most stuff, I'm still enjoying it a lot. I'm still learning Russian I'm still loving every minute of it except from the tests. But I love my tutor, I love the people, it just rules.

I've had big problems in my family life. Some weeks ago my father mentioned he wants to leave my mom and it made me crash completely. I was so angry with him. I just want my mom to be happy and how can he even think of doing this to her? I hated him. So far he hasn't done anything about it. I think it was a typically "borderline" type of behaviour. Because he had a nervous breakdown soon after too and well... I'm just waiting. It's looking better when he's in a good mood, worse when he's in a bad mood... I hate that. I just want to protect my mom all the time.

When it comes to love... There was a boy who wanted me. I wanted him too but it god nowhere because I'm still borderline all over. When he came close to me I blocked him out. And right now I'm satisfied with crushing on a man I can never have because that's save. I don't want to think about real relationships anymore. I think it's resigned, my therapist thinks it's good... +shrugs+

I have some friends I think. One very very good friend at the moment who means the world to me. Some good ones and some acquaintances. There are times when I wish I had more friends, there are times when I'm satisfied cause I can't deal with so many people. Next Friday a close friend of mine is celebrating her birthday with lots of people I don't know. I can't stand that, I'm SO scared. She's sorry that's she's doing that to me but what good is that for me? I'm looking for a way to get out of this but unfortunately I have the present from many people... Great.

If I think about it ... in fact ... nothing's really changed... I'm still somewhat happy cause I'm somewhat stable at the moment because I suppress so much. But it's not a state in which I wanna be forever I *think*. I don't *feel* it though.

Well it's good to be back... I just hope I'll stick with this...