A completely rotten day | gothgrrrl's Blog

I've not experienced anything like this for SO long a time. I so have to keep myself from crying while writing... I don't wanna sound whiny or anything... just wanna tell what's been happened in the last 24 hours.

Because of a birthday of a friend that I don't want to go to -typical social anxiety problem- I started panicking yesterday. I didn't want to say no, I couldn't say no, but I don't want to go. So I started panicking. I couldn't sleep yesterday night. I had to get up today at 8:00 am. And then it was 4 am and I still didn't sleep so I decided to skip the first lecture and sleep till 11 am. And then it was 7 and I still didn't sleep and I started to get even more panicky cause ... how was I supposed to stand university till 6 pm without sleep?

I tried everything. Every sort of technique I know against panic attacks. Nothing helped. I learned Russian, I did homework, I spelled a song, I read out loud, I walked through the room telling myself it's alright and I thought about all the good stuff in life. And nothing helped. I simply didn't sleep. Then I took pills. They didn't help really, I managed to sleep for like two hours and then went to university.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've had thousands of panic attacks but never one that lasted so long -> IT'S STILL LASTING! I am still having this attacks. For almost 24 hours. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I called my therapist... He told me to eat, to take stronger medication cause I can't afford to not sleep again... Jesus, I don't know what's happening to me. I just hope the meds will do it for me tonight so that I can sleep. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm hungry but I can't eat. I'm so scared. And I think I'm gonna break down if I get another day of this hell.

One spot of light today... my crush in all his beauty and perfection. +sighs+ :) I mean... nothing can save this day but if anything could come close to saving it, it would be him. Gave me the feeling that God's carrying me. Even if that sounds pathetic.