Dec 4th | gothgrrrl's Blog

I'm kinda bored... Well not really bored... just wanna do something and there isn't really something. So I thought I'd just go and write something about my day.

Could it be that my crush is crushing on my ex? Okay, taking into account that this ex is my best friend now. Okay, to sort things out: My crush is a man. My best friend/ex is a man. My crush is gay. My best friend is not gay. This is all SO weird. xD Please don't bother!!! XD The end of it all is: I can't have my crush, my crush can't have my ex. I find this a little disturbing. ;)

Actually the whole sense, as my therapist explained, about falling for this Neil-crush-person, was this: He's gay + he's 20 years older than me and probably not interested in this little girl = I can't have him. Which equals: He's safe. I'll never be in the troubling situation that he actually would be interested in me. Which saves me a lot of mental breakdowns. But isn't there someone out there trying to punish me?? Why can't Neil just keep on floating through my mind as some sort of ideal and not bother coming down to earth? It's simply not nice...

Different thing. I heard something today. I heard that you can "order" angels. It was like that... if you know someone who's got angels then you can ask that person to send you an angel and the angel will stay with you for 5 days. And people say you notice the angels when they're around you. That sounds quite nice... I don't really know someone who has angels I think (and the person couldn't answer the question who had the angels in the first place...) but this sounds good. Like someone could keep all Neil-business away for some days. ;)

Now I just wanna sleep actually. I wanna see this all as a joke and understand what my mind tells me, that it's all not a problem, it's all gonna be okay... Gotta take the meds and sleep.