gothgrrrl's Blog

I'm feeling very depressed right now because of this fucking New Year's Eve. Last year I was in a relationship and I sort of had to spend it with my boyfriend and I did. But I HATE this urge to do something on New Year's Eve. My family wants me to do something, everyone thinks I'm weird if I don't meet people on New Year's Eve, if I don't celebrate.

Still I've got that sickness and I don't WANT to spend an evening with so many people, I just can't. And now I'm even getting scared that no one's gonna ask me to spend New Year's Eve with them because my circle of friend's is so split up right now... I'd like to just sit in some kind of bar and drink and talk to strangers but I can't cause in this fucking village there's nothing like that.

God, is it really depressing to be alone on New Year's Eve? And if it isn't (which I think) then why am I so depressed about it?! We should have some kind of New Years Eve party here for everyone who's alone...

I'm kinda bored... Well not really bored... just wanna do something and there isn't really something. So I thought I'd just go and write something about my day.

Could it be that my crush is crushing on my ex? Okay, taking into account that this ex is my best friend now. Okay, to sort things out: My crush is a man. My best friend/ex is a man. My crush is gay. My best friend is not gay. This is all SO weird. xD Please don't bother!!! XD The end of it all is: I can't have my crush, my crush can't have my ex. I find this a little disturbing. ;)

Actually the whole sense, as my therapist explained, about falling for this Neil-crush-person, was this: He's gay + he's 20 years older than me and probably not interested in this little girl = I can't have him. Which equals: He's safe. I'll never be in the troubling situation that he actually would be interested in me. Which saves me a lot of mental breakdowns. But isn't there someone out there trying to punish me?? Why can't Neil just keep on floating through my mind as some sort of ideal and not bother coming down to earth? It's simply not nice...

Different thing. I heard something today. I heard that you can "order" angels. It was like that... if you know someone who's got angels then you can ask that person to send you an angel and the angel will stay with you for 5 days. And people say you notice the angels when they're around you. That sounds quite nice... I don't really know someone who has angels I think (and the person couldn't answer the question who had the angels in the first place...) but this sounds good. Like someone could keep all Neil-business away for some days. ;)

Now I just wanna sleep actually. I wanna see this all as a joke and understand what my mind tells me, that it's all not a problem, it's all gonna be okay... Gotta take the meds and sleep.

I've not experienced anything like this for SO long a time. I so have to keep myself from crying while writing... I don't wanna sound whiny or anything... just wanna tell what's been happened in the last 24 hours.

Because of a birthday of a friend that I don't want to go to -typical social anxiety problem- I started panicking yesterday. I didn't want to say no, I couldn't say no, but I don't want to go. So I started panicking. I couldn't sleep yesterday night. I had to get up today at 8:00 am. And then it was 4 am and I still didn't sleep so I decided to skip the first lecture and sleep till 11 am. And then it was 7 and I still didn't sleep and I started to get even more panicky cause ... how was I supposed to stand university till 6 pm without sleep?

I tried everything. Every sort of technique I know against panic attacks. Nothing helped. I learned Russian, I did homework, I spelled a song, I read out loud, I walked through the room telling myself it's alright and I thought about all the good stuff in life. And nothing helped. I simply didn't sleep. Then I took pills. They didn't help really, I managed to sleep for like two hours and then went to university.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've had thousands of panic attacks but never one that lasted so long -> IT'S STILL LASTING! I am still having this attacks. For almost 24 hours. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I called my therapist... He told me to eat, to take stronger medication cause I can't afford to not sleep again... Jesus, I don't know what's happening to me. I just hope the meds will do it for me tonight so that I can sleep. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm hungry but I can't eat. I'm so scared. And I think I'm gonna break down if I get another day of this hell.

One spot of light today... my crush in all his beauty and perfection. +sighs+ :) I mean... nothing can save this day but if anything could come close to saving it, it would be him. Gave me the feeling that God's carrying me. Even if that sounds pathetic.

Wow, it's been quite a while... I don't know why I suddenly stopped coming here... I often regretted it but always thought that it's so much work ... it's like in therapy. XD It helps you but you have to work a lot. Now I felt it was time to come back...

And now I see there's so much stuff... 55 new mails...? My God, how long have I been gone. I hope everyone will understand that I won't read them all. I just don't have the time I think. I wanna add all the fans, I saw it's quite a lot. It may take me some time, but I don't wanna miss any of you.

Maybe it's right to tell what's been happening to me. Maybe someone's interested. To be honest: Nothing's been happening.  Things have changed very slowly. I was quite successful when it comes to studying. I'm still studying History and Slavin Studies. I'm really good at most stuff, I'm still enjoying it a lot. I'm still learning Russian I'm still loving every minute of it except from the tests. But I love my tutor, I love the people, it just rules.

I've had big problems in my family life. Some weeks ago my father mentioned he wants to leave my mom and it made me crash completely. I was so angry with him. I just want my mom to be happy and how can he even think of doing this to her? I hated him. So far he hasn't done anything about it. I think it was a typically "borderline" type of behaviour. Because he had a nervous breakdown soon after too and well... I'm just waiting. It's looking better when he's in a good mood, worse when he's in a bad mood... I hate that. I just want to protect my mom all the time.

When it comes to love... There was a boy who wanted me. I wanted him too but it god nowhere because I'm still borderline all over. When he came close to me I blocked him out. And right now I'm satisfied with crushing on a man I can never have because that's save. I don't want to think about real relationships anymore. I think it's resigned, my therapist thinks it's good... +shrugs+

I have some friends I think. One very very good friend at the moment who means the world to me. Some good ones and some acquaintances. There are times when I wish I had more friends, there are times when I'm satisfied cause I can't deal with so many people. Next Friday a close friend of mine is celebrating her birthday with lots of people I don't know. I can't stand that, I'm SO scared. She's sorry that's she's doing that to me but what good is that for me? I'm looking for a way to get out of this but unfortunately I have the present from many people... Great.

If I think about it ... in fact ... nothing's really changed... I'm still somewhat happy cause I'm somewhat stable at the moment because I suppress so much. But it's not a state in which I wanna be forever I *think*. I don't *feel* it though.

Well it's good to be back... I just hope I'll stick with this...

God, I'm feeling bad.

I had that experience last weekend where I was really struck down by panic attacks because I was together with some people. Saturday I was out again with some other people and there I was alright so I blamed it on all the people I didn't know and didn't like that were there when I had the attacks. This weekend a new friend from university invited me to come over. And I said yes. Though I know that it will be practially the same. There will be lots of people I don't know and some I don't like. Why the hell did I say yes? Because I like her and because I want to make new friends and because I'm happy she asked me. But now I get SO scared that I'll get a panic attack again that I can't stop thinking about it.

And those people who know panic attacks will know two basic things:

1. Selffulfilling prophecies. If you think you'll have a panic attack, you WILL have a panic attack (I'm a MASTER at that!)

2. Fearing fear is the worst you can do. If you don't do things because you're scared you will be too scared... then that's a step into nothingness

Just... I'm SO scared and now people will maybe think that it can't be THAT worse... but IT IS. It's the worst emotional torture I've ever experienced. And I wish I could just have a calm weekend without anything like that... should I cancel ...? I don't know... I want to be different but I just know the panic attack will come and I don't want to have it... I can't think about anything else and it makes me so miserable...

Oh shit, yesterday was so horrible. I went to meet some friends. And actually just two or three friends that I definitely enjoyed seeing but on top of that about ten thousand other people I didn't like or didn't know. And I just can't cope with that really. And it  became hell. After one hour or so I felt the panic attacks creeping up, I couldn't stand em. I wanted to leave, wanted to run, take the next train to wherever, just disappear. And after some hours I couldn't stand it anymore and I went to a friend's room to be alone. What went through my heaad while I lay there was so horrible... Everything, the therapy did didn't work, useless, all useless, I am still useless, I can't cope, I'll never be able to cope, I'll have to start it all over again from the beginning, I can't. I wanted to die. It definitely was one of the worst evening I ever had. And I just hope that it was because of all the people and not because of me.

Today I'm going to that event I talked wrote about yesterday. +sighs+ Yes. I know, I'm stupid. I'll sit there for hours, watching out for HIM and either I won't see him, or if I see him he'll be there with his wife and either way I'll end up totally wasted. The place I'm going is there place where I had my first drunken stupor. Still, I just hope today will be better. When I had that attacks yesterday I thought I wouldn't make it today, but yesterday I actually looked forward to today and somehow I do now too. Because the people are my friends and there aren't any people coming that I don't know and don't like -as far as I know anyway and I HOPE this is gonna be like that or I'll just leave right away- and well... I just hope and hope and hope I won't have to run. Though actually I already ran a little boit. Cause actually I should have been there by now but ... that was really a stupid idea cause the firework were gonna watch will begin at about 10:00 or 11:00 pm and why should I be there at 4:00 pm... And surely not if I'm ridden by panic attacks. Well. Well. I'll just try to enjoy the evening...

Have a nice weekend.

Oh, there comes a day when I'm going to implode. I had university today. And there are these two men you know... I'd give a kingdom to have on of em. One is Holger and the other is my Russian lecturer. And Friday is that glorious day where I see both of em and no one else.

The day I'm looking forward to the whole week.

The day that smashes me to pieces again and again.

First Russian. And I adore every single piece of my lecturer but I know he's out of my world. He's 60, he's got a wife... But still I keep dreaming of him, what else could I do? And we have some really big happening in our town tomorrow and he asked our class if someone is going there since he was going. And God, how much would I want to meet HIM there... But ... I just can't see him together with his wife. This SO won't happen! I don't even *want* to go to that happening and now I'm goddamn sad I'm not going -cause I really could- cause it would be a chance to meet him there and you see - there will be thousands and thousands of people coming, I probably won't even meet him. There is hope on me that says he wouldn't flirt with women all the time if he was really in a passionate marriage. And something tells me he should wear his ring if he really loved his wife. But still. I can't afford to take that chance. If I see him with his wife, I might never get lucky again.

And Holger. That gorgeous man. Something tells me... he's gay. Please God, no. I thought that last semester when he invited a friend of his to come into our class and do some presentation. And the way he looked at that guy... I right away thought "ohoh, that might be his boyfriend...". I noticed that again when we had to do some presentation in groups... ironically he looked the same way at a guy from my group. I never saw him look at a girl like that and there are definitely some very cute girls in our class. And of course ... he's cute, if you look at him he's too cute to be straight. And today when I walked to his class with a friend and someone from our class drove past us, my friend said: "See that guy? I bet Holger fancies him. That way he always looks at him is very suspicious..." And I was like "Shit, you think he's gay too?!"

So that was my day. I was completely bitchy that whole day, not only after that whole shit, but also in advance. I started off being bitchy to my Russian lecturer, I just couldn't fake a smile today. We read a text, I read brilliantly (dunno what was wrong there XD) and occasionally my lecturer managed to get a smile out of me but overall I was a bitch.

Tonight I'll be over at a friend's. I'm 50/50 about it. On the one hand I'm really looking forward to it, because I want to be distracted and because I see some friends I haven't seen in quite a while and because I wanna DRINK. I just got to know that there won't be any wodka unfortunately and usually I get sick from beer but we'll see... I'll drink whatever is there. And the best thing is: I don't have to sleep there. I'm anxious about that though I've slept there some times and there is nothing to be anxious about. I just love my own bed. And well. But on the other hand I'd like to lie in my bed and dwell in my misery. But overall I'm happy I won't be able to do that today. The weekend will be hard enough.

Today I also got some new books. And I totally feel like taking a book, getting lost in it and keeping reading for the rest of my life... It's "The Completele Polysyllabic Spree" by Nick Hornby, he's one of my absolute favourite authors, I LOVE him because he writes so beautifully. Then "The City that forgot how to breate" by Kenneth J. Harvey. The story is SO interesting, I SO wanna read and. And a German book "Die Vermessung der Welt" by Daniel Kehlmann. Some might know it, it was a real HIT 2005 and was translated into lots of other languages. I'd so much like to just take a book and read and FORGET what I always think about. But I guess, things will change.

It is such a beautiful day. It's about 20 degress, I'm sitting outside in the sun with my laptop... When I bought my laptop it was winter and I didn't even think of an opportunity like this! This is so fucking good. I can enjoy the great weather and surf on this great site at the same time. How great is that...?

Still. I'm not happy enough. Friday night I was out with some friends. I wrote in the last blog that there was some misunderstanding the time I thought they had forgotten to tell me they were going out. They were expecting me to come and kind of surprised when I didn't. Anyway, Friday was like always, we were having a good time and I'm really relieved that there is nothing wrong between us.

Yesterday I chatted with some people from university. So, the "new" friends, you know... And I was having a lot of fun too. One way my ex and it was the first time I "talked" to him while he was REALLY drunk. That was kind of funny, kind of strange cause he said a lot of crazy things, but in the end it was nice. And I sometimes feel I'm a little alone at university cause I'm not the sort of person who hangs with crowds, but only with a few selected ones. And I have met some people, but still I feel everyone else has met more peopple. Anyway, I should be proud of what I have accomplished, cause I'd have thought that it would be harder for me to meet new people. Anyway yesterday I had the impression that there are some people I've already met who could become really close friends. And that's good.

And still ... I'm trying to crowd out the fact that I'm unhappy. I want this man, yes I do. All I can think about is him. Holger is here and there and following me everywhere I go. And I know I can't have him. But my heart won't believe it. It's the same every time. So once more. My psychiatrist said that it's good that I have different areas in my life so if one gets destroyed, I still can rely on another one. Meaning I have love, I have family, I have friends, I have university -> they all make me happy in one way or another and if one starts to make me unhappy I still have others to switch to. So though it makes me happy to think of Holger it makes me unhappy to think of it too, cause a) he's not with me and b) he probably never will be. So in theory I should switch to family, friends or university now. But university is linked with Holger way too much cause he's my tutor. I get too sad to meet my friends. My family is still an option and I'm happy I have them... but how long is this gonna work... This is going to hurt, I'm in for a lot of pain.

I've felt worse. I definitely have. This is because my heart hopes and my brain doesn't work at the moment. I like this moment, I just don't want to start thinking again. Maybe it will work for a while. While I sit in the sun, listening to music... I'll try.

I have to write. I definitely have to write this down or I'm gonna explode. I had a pretty nice week I think. Latin on Monday, I cope. Russian on the others days, I don't understand that much but I cope. My tutor rules, he seems to think that I'll manage in the end... we'll see. Lecture about modern times, boring, Middle-Ages, alright. Cultural Studies pretty fine, Eastern Europe on the Internet, goddamn boring but ... I cope. Romans and Germanic people, alright. Germany in the aera of Helmut Schmidt, very nice though it was boring today.

Still. Something was strange. One night, I don't know which it was... it was one night this week... I couldn't sleep because I was getting panicky and depressive. I was really getting close to a panic attack. I'm not taking meds anymore and I was alright all the time. And suddenly I felt this really crazy urge to cut myself and I really had some trouble resisting. I could neither sleep through and my period got out of order which is usually a sign that something is wrong. I dunno... what was wrong... this morning I was feeling VERY groggy, but in the end the day worked out fine and I guess I was just feeling like that because I have to adjust to that change from the holidays to working almost the whole day every day. Hope it'll get better...

Well. Love is like... stupid... I'm getting on with my ex pretty well. He asked me one or two weeks ago whether I still had any feelings for him and I had to say no because that's the way it is and ... well, guess we've picked up the pieces and can move on. I'm getting a little erm... scared ... that I might be falling in love with Holger. This is a little hard to explain cause in Germany we have too many words for that... And when I say "falling in love" I mean seriously crushing. Someone told me in English "falling in love" is more happening in a relationship. Alright. Sorted. Yesterday I was at the Seminar where he works and I met him and he smiled and greeted me and I was like ... completely and insanely happy and I was there with my ex and and he knows about my weakness for Holger and he looked at me in this "there he waaaaaaaas..."-way and said "He didn't greet me but he greated you" and I smiled a "Yeeaaaaaahhh, I know..."-smile and right at that moment Holger turned around while walking up the stairs and looked at me. And in that situation I was only happy that he'd turned around and then ... I realized what he might have realized... I dunno if I smiled in a "God, I wanna marry him"-way but there's a good chance that I did... I dunno if I want him to know that... And well today was his class and it was fucking boring but that wasn't his fault. He made it perfectly wonderful, had he not done it I would have died of boredom. Still, when I left that building I felt that my mood is way too much dependant on him. I'm crushing on different people all the time, that's no secret and nothing I'm ashamed of cause mostly it makes me  happy but I fear that this is leading into another direction and that it could make me very very unhappy.

I spent a good amount of the time since I got home thinking about that and I didn't really come to any sort of conclusion... I'll wait till next Friday and then we'll see what happens. I know it will be a hard time but I'm happy that I'll see him next week cause a lot of people take the day off... This night I'll go to the pub with some friends. The ones who forgot to tell me they were going last time... As I found out they DID think of me and it was a misunderstanding cause someone thought he had told me and in fact I just hadn't understood it correctly. Whatever. I don't really feel like that. I feel like dwelling in misery about Holger, but as I think about it... in the pub I'll get a lot of wodka to drown those thoughts in.

Weekend. Sleep. Good.

I'm a little sad. For about one and a half years or a little less I've been going out with some friends on some Fridays or Saturdays. For quite a long time we've not been out together. A friend of mine who's joined the navy was away for quite a long time and he wrote me a mail about meeting one time. And I wondered about whether he meant this weekend. I asked him, he didn't answer, I forgot it. And some minutes ago I found an SMS by a friend saying "When do we meet this evening?". And I didn't know anything about meeting today. No one told me. Actually I'm not that disappointed because I wouldn't have wanted to go out today anyway and because I know they are good friends and that doesn't mean that they don't want me anymore... but I'm still a bit sad. I mean alright... we've all been going into different directions but still we've kept these meetings up and we've all had a lot of fun. And I feel especially sad because my best friend belongs to those people. And since she's had her new boyfriend ... I feel like she's forgetting me... And that is making me really sad. Still I'm not really feeling bad because I hope that they will feel guilty and that is making me a feel a little better. I know that sounds bad, but it's how I feel...

Still that day was good. Two classes in university today. Russian of course. And I loved every minute of it. Though there is something strange to tell... My lecturer, whom you know I'm crushing on a little, knows that I was together with one of the guys in our Russian class. And I guess he thinks we're still together. And though I'm crushing on my lecturer, I like the thought of him thinking that we're still together. I spent some time thinking why... And I guess it's because I don't want him to ever know how weak I really am. He knows I got a little tendency to get melancholic and that's alright. He doesn't know that I was depressive and that I'm practically unable to lead a relationship. And I like it that way. I want him to think I'm a person who yes, who is different from the crows, but who is still normal in that way. Having a normal relationship with a normal guy and all that. And I definietely don't want him to think that I'm ... you know... sort of waiting for him... That's somehow a little strange but ... I was having a good time talking to him today. A VERY good time.

And today I saw Holger. And it was amazing. He was sweet. Yes, he was. My Russian lecturer always finishes the lesson too late and so I came to Holger's seminar almost too late when he was already there. And I almost ran into him when I entered the room and he stopped and smiled the most beautiful smile I've ever seen him smile and said Hello and I was so happy. And he looked absolutely wonderful and he said he was really happy to see some people from his last seminar again and he remembered my name (you know... if he hadn't I'd really have broken down) and it was just perfect... and now I have one semester ahead of me with him. That is so great.

I find myself being so much more positive in the last time. Maybe it's university. I notice how it makes me a lot more self-confident and a lot more content and happy. And I can even deal with this situation I'm in now with my friends meeting without me. And I found great new people in college that could maybe really become friends one day. And my grades are good and everything is just fine. Now that the summer comes ... things can only get better I hope. And I'm thankful all the time... This is really the best part of my life since I am able to remember things that are going on...

Another day done I suppose. I feel strange. Actually I had a fine day. I had Russian from 9 to 10 and I always like that though it can be quite hard at times if you're not on guard. Then I had four free lessons but that was alright because some time I spend with some people from my Russian class having fun and some time I spent working in the library cause I still have to finish my assignment and it feels good to know that I got something done today. Then I bought two books I need for the "Methods of Cultural Sciences" and read something in them and in the café I met a student whom I talked with for a while. And then I had another seminar with a really kool lecturer, really kool people and well, just funny. And then I went home. Actually nice.

What's the reason why I feel bad... I guess it's this: I'm crushing on my Russian lecturer and my mood is totally dependant on him. I start the day with him and if he's in a good mood and if I can joke with him and if I feel like he likes me just a little ... then I feel good the rest of the today. Today it wasn't like he ignored me or something but it just wasn't ... like I wanted it to be. It wasn't like yesterday... well and because I wanted more of yesterday... Something I don't understand about myself is this: I know that he is married. I know he has a daughter. Those things are all in my head. Today we were talking about the fact that in the Russian language the word "shopping" doesn't exist in the sense that you just walk around and look for stuff. Well and there was a girl in our class who grew up in Russia and she said "I always say kupits" and then he said: "My wife does so too..." and I felt myself fall... I read something in a book ... it was something like... you know that you're gonna die. Your brain knows it. But you don't feel it. It never reaches your heart until you really are dying. I guess that's just the same... Well, on more chance tomorrow. That's the good thing... I see him four days a week... always another chance.

I'm eating banana chips with white chocolate. That's so delicious.

So tomorrow ... Russian and then Holger. Can't be anything but great. Only three hours of university. Then I just have to go to the seminar and copy something by Caesar and then I got a free weekend. :) Great great great.

I'm pretty restless these days. And I just watched a movie about a man who finds out that his son is paedopiliac. And that was just so scary... I mean... what would you do if you found something like that out about your son? Or what do you do if you notice these tendencies? While watching the movie I thought that I couldn't even play someone who's a paedophil because I just get cramps from the image... I don't want children, they get on my nerves but I just can't cope with the thought of someone doing something like that to kids and I wonder... if one is paedophiliac... don't you feel like that anymore? Or do you get disgusted by yourself? Anyway... was quite a shocking movie... Put me out a little...

Today I had two new lectures. Both in Slavic Studies. The first one was nice. The issue is that interesting ... "Methods of the Cultural Studies" but the lecturer is good. He's funny and he's nice and he seems like the sort of person you can cope with. Still resolute... He has a very tender smile and a tender voice and with that smile and that voice he then said: "So what? So you'll write two tests in one day... it's not kindergarten here..." Because it wasn't my problem I found it funny. Not nice, I know. Anyway, I like him. The second... "Eastern Europe on the Internet" has an interesting issue but I don't like the lecturer that much and we have to give oral presentations and I hate that. Well, let's see...

Also, I had my first Russian lesson after the holidays today and you know yesterday I wasn't satisfied with how it had been meeting my lecturer whom I'm sort of crushing on. But today it was just ... great. He has that habit... suddenly after saying something he looks at me and smiles and I love that. I always have to smile too and it brightens everything up. Also I was suprised at how much I still knew... I thought I'd forgotten everything but it was alright... Just when he talks Russian... I don't get the point in 90% of his sentences... I hate that. I can translate from German to Russian moderately well and moderately fast but I just can't translate from that fast Russian he speaks to German... And every time I fail to translate what he says I feel stupid and I hate that...

Anyway. Tomorrow another day. Definitely looking forward to seeing my Russian lecturer again. Not looking forward to having to kill four hours... And Friday I'll see Holger... I'm quite excited about that. :)

I'm sorry I didn't write anyone for such a long time... But I used this site mainly to blog and because there wasn't really anything to blog I didn't come here that often... you could say... I got really lazy in the last two months. Especially after finishing my assignment (which is actually still not really finished...) but now I'll try to be here a little more often again...

Nothing exciting has happened really... The new semester started this week and well... yesterday I went to university in vain because the Latin class I am taking didn't take place yesterday... so I just bought some food and went home again. And today I came to university way too early cause suddenly my Russian class didn't take place either... so I had to wait five hours until my next lecture... which was pretty exciting. ;)

Then I had two lectures one of which was horrible. A lecturer that is so boring... always sounds like he's reading from a book but not in a very good way... I just can't listen to him... My thoughts always drift... Well, tomorrow I'll get back to Russian and that will be great. Today I met my Russian lecturer and God, I really missed him in the holidays... well, meeting him again wasn't quite like I wanted it to be... he was as nice and sweet as always ... but something was wrong... Friday I'll see Holger again. God, I'm so looking forward to that... but first I'm looking forward to seeing my russian lecturer properly tomorrow.

Sunday I went to a Kaizers Orchestra concert. I was having an awful lot of fun. Today I read that many people didn't like the concert. I dunno what they want. There surely weren't many people but that's not Kaizer's fault. And that the people didn't go crazy like they do in Norway is neither Kaizer's fault. I guess there were some people who didn't quite know how to enjoy themselves or were pissed off by the fact that Janove said that we're a very "silent audience". Well, I certainly enjoyed myself and he didn't piss me off cause later on he said that he'd grown to love us through the evening tho we were so silent and I believed him... well, I liked the concert and I bought a scarf. ;) And that beats everything. XD And Geir is just sooo sweet. Finally found his CD on iTunes and now I'm really happy that I have it. :) <3

See ya.

I don't really understand why I feel like I feel...

I had some really good news this week. My lecturer had corrected my assignment and he wanted to go it through with me. So I went there and was really scared. I had to wait about half an hour and got only more anxious the whole time and in the end ... my lecturer said that my assignment was one of the three good ones (we're 34 or something in the class and I have one of the three good ones ... that's crazy!) and if I improved some more things I could get an A for it. And that was really completely unexpected and I was SO happy. And I started to work yesterday because I don't really need to get the A but I definitely want a B and so I'll work a little more...

And what's also very good... my psychiatrist cut my meds again and I'm only taking a very small amount and tomorrow I'll even stop that and so far I feel okay with that. And there were some smaller things around me happening that gave me a really good feeling... but still I feel strange today. I'm going to a concert of one of my favourite bands on the 5ths of April and I've always felt anxious about concerts though I love them and well ... I'm worrying about that all the time... that pisses me off cause there isn't really anything to worry about. But still I keep worrying. I hate that.

Yesterday I got really drunk. It wasn't because I wanted to drown problems or something... I just felt an alarmingly big longing to drink alcohol and have some fun. And I really can do that quite happily on my own. I downloaded some very funny scenes of my favorite TV-show and drank a lot and I was having really a lot of fun. And I didn't know I had drunk that much because of all the fun I was having - I usually know when to stop. But still I ended up feeling very bad and puking on the bathroom floor. Which wasn't really funny... I showered at three am and today I have know idea why the hell I did that... And I'm very happy no one caught me...

Now it's Easter. Some relatives coming over ... hate that but well... I'll have to stand it. Wish you all a Happy Easter.

I experienced some quite interesting things today. I'm not the only one who's being completely ... strange around here... I got to female best friends, one is my ex and one is ... not my ex. XD Well, she's someone else. Anyway she's in a relationship with someone and like two days ago they had a big row and she decided that their relationship was over. Alright. That night one of the people who live in her flat tried to cheer her up and in the end she slept with him... yes. I said, we're all a bit strange. ;) And today I went to the cinema with her, her new guy and a friend of mine and the two of em were cuddling all the time and later she said that if her ex would try to change she'd give him one more chance. XD How ERROR is that? And the best about it is ... I absolutely understand her.

And what happened to me today? Well. This other friend who was at the cinema with me is someone who's been in love with me for a very long time and I never really know whether he's still serious about it. And today we talked about that because we were REALLY fooling around in the cinema. And he said I shouldn't worry about it, he's not trying to get off with me, he loves to be single and he doesn't want to be together with me. Kind of a relief. And half an hour later we drove with the train and sat next to each other and I was tired and he put his arm around me, I leaned against him and he started to fidget with my hair and ... it felt good. So hell ... what did he think? Still just a friendship thing??? I don't get it. I don't get that guy.